I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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