I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
