I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Randomize
