the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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