So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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