never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize