I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
