omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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