Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We got so high we made milksteak
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
