you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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