Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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