Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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