Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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