margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
