i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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