Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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