Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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