Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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