are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
