then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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