Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Be still, my beating vagina.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
