Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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