apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
