so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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