i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
