Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
