I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
