i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
