She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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