This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
3pm strippers are depressing
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
