I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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