I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
