Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
