I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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