but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
