look no pants
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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