I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize