Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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