no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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