or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
