My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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