I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
