so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
