never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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