It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
