Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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