we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
