when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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