1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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