im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
