did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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