Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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