Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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