That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
